35 Genuinely Funny Best Man Speech Jokes

Dr Victoria -

35 Funny Jokes for a Best Man Speech

Love them or loathe them, jokes are at the heart of any good best man's speech or best woman's speech. Since no-one's expecting you to develop the stand-up skills of Peter Kay overnight, it's okay to turn to some tried-and-tested best man speech jokes. Whether you're giving the groom or grooms a full roasting or you just want some good one-liners to entertain the crowd, here's 35 funny jokes for a best man speech.

  • It's been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
  • If there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you've just married [NAME].
  • We've now reached the point in the proceedings when we all get to see the [NAME] shift uncomfortably in his seat and grip the tablecloth. That's right. I've been asked to give him the drinks' bill.
  • All those amongst you who know [PARTNER] well will know that s/he is a wonderful and caring person. S/he deserves a good husband. Thank God [NAME] married her/him before s/he found one.
  • Just some last messages here to read out - one from [NAME'S] football team to [PARTNER] – Apologies we couldn't all be there today, good luck with [NAME], we found him to be useless in most positions, but wishing you all the best for tonight.
  • I'd also like to congratulate [NAME] on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be hard to follow and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
  • [PARTNER] please put your left hand flat on the table. [NAME] please place your hand on top of theirs. Enjoy this moment [NAME] because it's the first and last time in your marriage that you'll have the upper hand.
  • I do have to say though [name] just how lucky you are. You will leave here today with a [WIFE/HUSBAND] who is warm, loving and caring. And [PARTNER], how lucky you are as well. You leave here today having gained a lovely outfit and a wonderful bouquet of flowers.
  • Being asked to be someone's best man is like being called up for jury duty. You don't really want to do it but know you have to. You're made to dress in a suit and pretend to be an upstanding member of the community. The only difference is I didn't have a say if the life sentence passed earlier today.
  • I recognise my place here; a best man is similar to a dead body at a funeral. Of course you are expected to be there but if you say too much then people start freaking out.
  • Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn't available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should reassure you that you're not missing out on anything.
  • You've got no idea how much I've been looking forward to today. After all the time I've been friends with [NAME], they have at long last admitted that I am in fact the best man.
  • I didn't really know where to start so I thought I'd trawl the internet. After a couple of hours I'd found some really, really good stuff. But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
  • We all know the [PARTNER] is a wonderful person who deserves the perfect guy. Too bad you don't always get what you deserve.
  • As part of my research, I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his many good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I can't sing and I won't lie.
  • Well, I do hope that [PARTNER] and [NAME] enjoy their honeymoon in Wales. I assume that's where they're going anyway… When I asked [NAME] what he was doing after the wedding, he said he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.
  • Good evening, family and friends. I'm very happy to preside over the only five minutes of the day [PARTNER] didn't plan. I don't believe in roasting the groom on his special day. Therefore this speech won't contain anything embarrassing or controversial about [NAME]. Instead I'll refer only to the kind, funny side of his character. I read somewhere the perfect best man speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass to the happy couple! I'm going to keep this speech like [NAME] – short and not very funny. Now, before I start, the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation.

Using Jokes in Your Best Man Speech

When it came to writing this speech, I Googled 'best man speech examples' and found some great stuff! Incorporating a few jokes into your best man's speech can be a great tool for loosening up the crowd. One of the easiest ways to master this is by using comedy based on observation. Another easy tool when it comes to weaving in best man speech jokes is by using exaggeration. Worried about offending the groom? Self-deprecation is also a brilliant tool to utilise. Arguably, the strongest form of comedy and certainly, the safest. No one will be offended if you’re offending yourself. You need to judge this carefully but if you could affectionately tease them down the pub, then I’d hope you could do it within your speech.

Obviously nothing crude or genuinely rude and nothing that could be taken the wrong way or worry the grannies. If you're unsure on what to do or aren't certain they'll be a good sport, I suggests keeping the jokes focused on whoever you are closest to.

7 Top Tips for Giving a Best Man’s Speech

  • Steer clear of in-jokes that most guests won’t understand!
  • Keep it clean - no dropping the F-bomb in front of your best friend’s grandma!
  • Pause for laughter – and if there is none, remind people that they were supposed to laugh there.
  • Put a personal touch – see if any of these jokes can be amended to suit something that relates to the couple.
  • Make some notes – you may think you'll memorize everything, but it's better to have notes to refer to.
  • Project your voice - don't shout, but make sure that everyone can hear you at the back of the room.
  • End with a toast – this is the best way to wrap up your speech.